Mar. 30 雜感

很想書書寫寫, 好想回到過去, 隨時落筆都有雜感的年紀.
到底生活是什麼? 為什麼把自己搞得這麼倦, 不斷徘徊在城市的點.
與人互動時好像才能感覺到真實的活著, 只是越亦發現認識的朋友都離得好遠.
認真的想,最先離開的其實是我, 再來才是你們.
所以實驗在世界各地開同學會, 合唱的夥伴也有大半跑到了台北
然我們大多不再唱了, 忘得太快? 還是把最最唯一留給彼此?
是什麼把我們繫再一起? 友誼到底是什麼東西?
回憶要記得多牢? 還是只是相信並深刻的知道:他懂的我心?

長越大, 認識越多似大哥大姐的人,
在我的生活團體個人等等層面,教我陪我渡過許多關卡
最近一些事, 時常讓我想你媽咪的話
有主見或許必要,然在待人處事上過分計較(分清你我),
堅持己見反倒是要吃虧的
邦所說的柔軟與女人味, 似乎在大多時候是不符合的
冰在降溫之後仍是接近冰點的水, 令人難以親近
是我找不到出口, 還是單純太過壓抑?

Am I keeping too much to myself?

許多部分,個性上的,需要調整
我不知道能有多大的改變, 但我必須試試

Need friends to go through all the high and low tide of life.
Want to become a warm person, but one with characteristic and one who still give critical comments.
Want to be cared about, and be needed.
For this is a life time goal to work on and something to guide me in becoming a better person.

Mar. 26 Make new friends

連續兩天參加了聚會
一個家庭廚房晚餐
一個羽球續攤大順

終於沉寂很久後認識新朋友了!!

=====繼之家晚餐=======

繼之的室友: Joshua, 楊路(沒有出現的Sunny). 我們在擁擠卻無比溫馨的廚房聊天煮飯吃晚餐. 炒雞肉片, 炒蔬菜mix: 洋蔥,洋菇,chilly, paprika, garlic, 全部丟入with咖哩塊的椰漿==超其無敵美味的一餐. 繼之直說住在這兒不變胖都難, 室友每天輪流煮,在廚房聚餐, 一大鍋的美味從來沒有剩過, 那是因為每個人都會被半強迫得吃第二碗. 我的一大盤,吃得超撐的,他們還要幫我加呢! 不過要不是太久沒有吃brown rice讓我有點胃痛, 要不然我可能還會再加的!

加入他們,聽他們一起ㄍㄧㄠˇ同住的房東. 不難理解阿, 光看在廚房的互動就知道, 明明學生在煮飯她卻插進來站爐子; 簽約時連家規都給寫進去: 有朋友要過夜要事先申請, 一晚還要加收五歐! 房間隨時要保時乾淨,十點以後不能煮飯… Joshua說,他都快要跟她翻臉了. 另外私底下房東最近有常常找他去打球跑步…運動, 很盧, 弄得他很尷尬不知道怎麼拒絕她.

從美國來的Joshua一直一來都住在Washington, 因此這次決定跑遠一點來荷蘭做博士後: toxicology. 來了四個月的他,問我大約要多久才能適應這裡? 我思索了很久, 或許是對於”適應”這件事情的定義不太一樣吧…我記得剛來的時候,大多數讓我覺的不同的事情都是有趣的, 我喜歡去發現那些不同. 這是我覺得我沒有所謂的cultural shock的原因.

但在另一方面, 儘管來Utrecht兩年多了, 卻始終有一種outsider的感覺, (oh, yes, that’s what I mean, said Joshua) 我想是來自於語言的隔閡吧. 住了這麼久, 多數的local新聞都是耳聞的, 絕大多數平面新聞資訊都是荷語, 說真的讓我對於所住的地方事件幾乎是置之事外 (不過回想起來在高雄的時候就已經有點這樣了,沒有電視的生活,台灣新聞中所播報得那些政治紛擾其實就可以離得很遠了;另外那觸目驚心的社會新聞哪些又不是日復一日,八卦花邊在吃飯的時候看只會讓我覺得眼前的食物難以下嚥). 在這不像是去了英語系國家生活, 日常生活從買菜認識新蔬菜與其名子開始, 在結帳時聽懂 alstublieft (請/給您(發票)), 並回以Dank u wel, 到要發票…doi打招呼, fijn weekend… 但幾乎就僅止於此了. 生活中往來的人群, faculty辦公室中的對話, 就算有你在場, 就算不是故意排擠你, 但是對他們來說最comfortable的語言就是Dutch! 語言, 無意的就形成了人與人, 外來人與本地人最大的隔閡, 無法融入當地的感覺, 就是來自於這裡吧.

That’s why I am starting to take Dutch now! 不過話說這不太嚴格的修課方式, 我想更大的功能在於起步的學習, 還有更重要的是: 認識Dutch Cultural. Funny enough, 來這裡這麼久了還是可以聽到很多讓人覺的荷蘭人不可思議的事情. 大我大約一輩的老師說: 在她爸媽那代的荷蘭人是非常不歡迎不速之客的, 對客人也很小氣. 在用餐時間不速拜訪朋友會被請到門外, 至多給上一杯咖啡加入餐桌, 但是絕沒有多餘的食物分享. 當然今非昔比, 許多習慣已經不同了, 但是go dutch這件事還是習以為常的. 時常與不熟的朋友一起外食, 他們回把帳單攤開來看各自的餐點各是多少錢, 一一算清結帳. 或許因為不是合菜吧, 所以更能這樣清算. 聽到的時候覺得有點誇張, 不過想想其實也公平, 畢竟每個人自己吃什麼久付什麼比較沒有相欠, 付不起的人當然就點便宜一點的, 吃龍蝦得多負擔好像也比較不會讓飯局最後便得不愉快.

另外我們也聊到荷蘭人非常重視schedule這件事. 他們做什麼事情都要先預約, 不太能夠說隨意bump into someone’s office討論問題. 修瓦斯, 網路動則一兩個月也是非常正常的事情. 每人都要讓自己好像schedule非常滿, 預約都要到兩個禮拜後, 就連生病除非是急診也是這樣. 從講求效率的台灣與美國看來這真是一件不可思議的事情. 服務業不就是客人優先嗎? 還記得上次去一間咖啡店, 算是頗為專業的一家吧, 店裡一半是咖啡座另一半是賣咖啡機的區域. 店內兩位服務生, 一位正忙著準備客人的咖啡, 另一位正推銷介紹著幾款咖啡機給熱人, 十分詳盡, 我考慮買一個小咖啡壺, 只得等著. 他全沒有理會我的意思, 這不是第一次我了解到, 這裡的服務人員絕對不會招呼一下(甚至連打招呼都不會)同時在店內參觀的客人. 在我之前的一位熱人看來似乎對於某一台機器十分中意, 銷售員便拿了鮮奶與杯子當場示範機器簡易的操作方式現泡給他喝, 就在一旁一起觀看操作的我, 他卻也完全沒有多泡一杯給我試試的念頭. 跟台灣在百貨公司示範家店的推銷員極為不同, 不會問你要不要試吃無煙無油煎出來的蛋, 或是現打含有果渣的果汁……在那兒我等了15分鐘整, 最後不得已要去趕seminar才離開. 我想沒服務完那位熱人他覺不會回答我任何小問題的, 只好作罷. 非常鮮明的例子啊!

這些等等的小事, 就是生活在異文化, 異語言區的發現吧.

=====羽球星期五=======


Take out the boundary between people.
我想到的是衛生紙與洗碗精

伸出手 等待別人也伸出手
別身是否也願意伸出手 就看他們的氣度了

有誠意的待人 這麼近距離朝夕的相處
他們會感覺到的!

眉角

互動是需要溫度的
把你的善意表現出來

把太多埋在心裡
只把Rhymer當為一的出口
並不好


Qma 說看我打球知道我是一個喜歡挑戰的人
就當作是一個挑戰
在緊密的相處空間中學習
這才是真正挑戰的人際關係學習


============

有時候我不禁要想

這是不是我所要的愛情

你說我們跟他們不一樣
早已過了三到六個月的熱戀期

我說我並不覺得我們有熱戀期
離開英國後, 面對感情馮老雖不看好
卻跟我說: 或許是一個很好學習親密關係的機會

暑假回家時翻閱大一的日記
第一次談戀愛, 遠距離
時常我回想起來覺得或許是好的
因為我有太多需要調適與學習的
最簡單得像是: 怎麼說 “想你”

跟自己磨, 慢慢接受不一定要變成依人
做自己但是要在很多事情上考慮到另外一個人
時常 我已經想不起來我高中的時候是什麼樣子
好像變了很多 去又說不上來是哪裡不同

有時候我想要變回原來的我
跳舞 肯定 自信 的witch
習於solidarity, 在綠櫃拉筋, 在走廊大跳
盪鞦韆, 然後偶爾微笑
也或許很多時後 我還是我吧


But what about the romance?
Was that what I was seeking for?
What about what Carrie said:
“I am someone who is looking for love, real love,
ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love.”

可以說我想要的跟其他人其實是一樣的嗎?
只是想要擁有一段常相廝守的愛情
當一對如膠似漆的戀人
如此而已

Mar. 13 再一次, 十字路口

多功處理顯少overlap的工作的機器
就算不當機, 某些處理程序也會呈現沒有反應
或是被列為背後處理項目, 總之基本上沒有動靜

論文就屬這種

我知道我現在只該focus一件事
是在逃避”只”面對論文這單一事件於生活中
還是唯有這樣才能感覺生活還有些東西是在進行式的

停滯的情況讓我非常焦慮

===============================================

Alternative / Options 開始在我腦中翻轉
我一遍遍問自己 興趣在哪裡
-- Innovation, agglomeration, and regional competition
-- Trade, price inequality, productivity differences

- Where can I apply these concepts which I adore?
- Who can I help Taiwan to become a more competitive country?
So that earning NTD do not make one feel poor in NL.

所以我往回看了
--Product manager (targeting customer/ product design)
--Supply chain (up-stream and down-stream flow of goods)
These seem interesting, but further away from what I have been doing.


當Qma跟我說: 什麼 你這麼年輕
出國 好像不是第一次聽到有人這麼跟我說
(是我看起來很老嗎? 幹嘛這個驚訝)

其實她不過比我大歲 在職場轉了一圈
念著mba交換出國來看看 卻著實比我成熟多了
應對進退 對於自己目標的掌握

“要去業界工作, 他們不見得會appreciate你有博士學歷,
反而有可能是個障礙”
三年的工作經驗可能有更高的價值

Qma 說: 女生不在30歲前在職場上有個站得住腳的經歷
要是30出頭回家生小孩再出來, 等於要重頭開始了
這樣一說, 未來這三年要投資在念博班還是就業就差很多了


為什麼在歡喜得到博士職缺不可思議過了不到半年
卻對於這個未來感到無比恐懼?
我似乎不確定自己解決的問題有什麼意義
所以沒有熱誠, 沒有每天早上跳起來思考的動力

然後想到要一個人呆在這, 三年
Rhymer說: 對於想家來說 一天都嫌多
對於想Rhymer來說 一秒都是折磨

“任何事都要開心的作 才會做得好”
But I am feeling frustrated now.
所以想暫停 暫停念書
暫停擔心沒有計畫的未來該怎麼辦才好


想這件事情還有一部分令人很頭痛的是感覺 — 騎虎難下
答應老師要這個phD position了 可以到最後關頭說
不好一思, 我想這樣的研究生活, 我真得待不下去嗎?


想要去業界看看
是不是也是我一種逃避的想法呢?
就像賽車選手衝到要跳躍的路段的時候
Got cold feet and make a U-turn at the last moment.

從大學我不就拼命從企管的路上往經濟走嗎?
這是轉彎還是倒車啊???

我真的得好好想想現在做論文的瓶問題哪兒
Is this what I am suited to do?

==============================================

回到多功處理的情況
目前除了論文又嘎了兩堂課
1. 行為經濟學
2. 產業經濟學

後者的內容真的讓我想起大學上吳世傑的IO
那時候一對企管大三必修嘎著, 我把每個比修外的空堂填滿政經系的課
IO&經濟思想史就是我High time of the week!

不過這兩堂課都各自要再寫一篇報告
想到就十分頭痛, 我的焦點應該在論文啊!!!
What should I do? quite those courses? And which one?

Behavior 都修了大半, 但是Paper我一點頭緒也沒
IO? Giving up something because I have no time to work on
But is something that makes me high… is that a silly thing?

(to be continue......)

Mar. 12 Investment vs Leisure good

Friday in Behavior Economics course…..

We are basically doing psychology here, right?
At least psychology for dummy!
(laughs~)

I think the few students from the psychology department would not agree.

======================

/*Math in economics is a disciplinary device.*/

====================

Internal commitment device.
Research observed that if a child shows the ability of internal commitment, they usually become more successful in their life.

In our daily life, there are two types of goods we can consume:
1. Leisure good
2. Investment good

Leisure goods are those that provide you instant joy but cost you some pain in the second (later) period. We depict this as: U1>0 & U2<0

Example of this good are: going to the casino, using your credit card, talking on the phone all day, eating chocolate…

In most cases, we under-estimate our consumption ability and consume too much of it.

Investment good on the other hand are those which make the present self suffer, but provide long run pleasure. We denote this as: U1<0 & U2>0.

Good of this kind are as such: reading the Economist, going to the gym, and studying in the library, participate in a reading club.

For these types of good, we over-estimate our ability to consume (we think we will study each issue of Economist every week), and therefore pre-commit ourselves too much, saying that we should subscribe for the Economist, and become a annual member of the gym.

Firms see our weakness and use the following pricing scheme (two part tariff):
Define T as a initial down payment (member fee), and P and the per use/consumption cost (entrance fee). For leisure goods, a low T and high P is set; while investment good usually have a high T and low P. With this pricing scheme, firms earn the most, while consumers do no.

Despite we use various commitment devices to motivate and to insure we invest in our future self, we tend to forget about our huge down payment at the beginning (subscribing the Economist) and forgot/ got lazy to read them each week after another. Leisure good on the other hand are like the time we have wasted our lives doing nothing or buying a pack of chips thinking we are just going to have one piece at a time. Yet, most of the time, a whole pack is immediately gone before we realize and cost us plenty of trouble in losing the extra fat carrying.


Recently, I have been consuming too much of leisure good, which makes me feeling frustrated even more and disgust my current condition more than ever (the U2<<<<<0) part of consequence.


So, this leads us to the most important question:
----> How do we commit ourselves to the most important thing in our current life?

[音樂] Happy Ending

Happy Ending
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Mar. 1 My reflect on 台灣的愛與寂寞~一位瑞士記者眼中的台灣

http://loco-loca.blogspot.com/2009/06/taiwanfromforeignersight.html

轉寄荷語版的給Mark and Joras後,
Mark 似乎很認真的看完了並問我: "Is it true, do you agree?"

well, here is my reply......

=========================================================================

Hey Mark,

well, I would only agree partially.
Especially I think the writer mainly visited the cities in Taiwan, or particularly Taipei.

About education, i think its quite true, with the influence of Confucian thinking,
children are under presure. there is still strong believe that education can make a difference for poor people,
and facilite mobility between class (poor and rich) but as you can see in the description and analysis,
richer family can provide children more/better education. So the story that onces is inspiring-- that our previous
president is the son of a farmer-- is less likely to happen again.

the part about history, and international relationship, is sadly true.
Taiwan have very few friend internationaly.
To me, China is like a bully and Taiwan should be independent.
I cannot imagine my country being ruled by someone with a communist mind and act like a bully.

About love and sex. I don't think its that people/female don't seek for love nor not believe in it.
For generations, it is true that there is nothing more important that bread and money than love.
But not exactly anymore. However, it is indeed true that there are too many cases and story around us
reminding us a chinese saying "poor couples sigh for all things." In other word, no money, no happiness.
I think this would hold universally since with the pressure of worrying about your next meal, qurral is unavoidable.
But we still search for love, with some "imprint" ideal that it would be more idea for a women to find someone
who with higher diploma, taller in height, richer, ect; and better in short.
This is also why women with higher education and who are able to be financailly independent have difficulty finding a husband. Because obviously the men look for the opposite too.

True, the Taiwanese eroticism is difficult to understand.
I think this is because it is under going great changes in the past decade,
therefore conflicting view exist in the same society.
For white collar (not a precise division as I am putting here), I think the conflict come more from family.
As these people study for a longer phase in their life time, they delayed their timing for starting to work as well as marriage.
However, people are still attracted to the opposite sex before marrage,
when cohabit is on the table regarded as something ungraceful "for the family". (this is really the traditional thinking)
I emphasis "for the family" since it is usually the elder (parents/relatives) that gave this opinion to the younger ones (son/daughter).
But for friends of their own age, we tend not to judge and think it's their own choice in a relationship.
Therefore, like the author said, besides the city center of Taipei you hardly see any couples hold their hand or exchange other
tender behavior. This is actually because more people in Taipe are immigrants, as in they have grew up in another place in Taiwan,
and can therefore avoid the judgement from their not so liberal family.

For the other part, blue collars who do buy betel nuts from girl sitting in glass windows
or those dancing for funeral in neon-decorated trucks.
I personlly feel disgust about this scene, but indeed you can see that happening.
But I must emphasis, the later is rarer now and can only be seen in small town.
I do not know however this get integrate into a funeral. As far as I know, there is no tradition like this.

and for this paragraph...
"In the middle of the IT city of Taipei you can find an overload of Confucian, Taoist and Buddhist temples that serve as oracle places. For example there is the City of God temple; in large numbers, young women with Gucci or Louis Vuitton handbags put flowers and fiancée cookies on the altars on Saturday morning before shopping. Here the god of marriage is residing, and the young women use oracle sticks to ask questions about their upcoming spouse."
I find it interesting but true. I think in fact, that how we see religion. It is part of our life but not in a demanding way.
It is there for us to seek for some inner confort when things go wrong, and for us to say our prayers to.

We don't have much demonstration, especially for un-employment.
This is because we don't have union and by LAW there is little protection (for losing your job) what so ever.
We therefore do not depend on our government when we are out of work, but depend on the family.
But in the past few years, we have more demonstration on political view.
The differences within the society regarding whether Taiwan is independ or will in some day become part of China
is the major issue, and this is also the main divide between the two biggest political parties in Taiwan differ in opinion.

Hm... to look back, that is quite some opinion about the artical.
On one hand, the artical is writen for some time now, and on the other hand,
as a Taiwanese, I see and read my own society differently.
Yet the auther reveal some sad truth -- especially the long working hours of Taiwanese people.
I think that reminds me to think about productivity. What have all those energy turn into?
How come the per capita GDP is no greater than other countries who work much lesser hours?

Well, maybe you would like to visit Taiwan some day yourself and have a personal observation my lovely country.
Coming back from Taiwan after new year, I find it difficult to buy any desirable product in the supermarket here.
There is just no fresh ingredients here for me to cook some delicious chinese food. Home sick kicks in right away!

gluck,
Emily