Dec. 9 Lack of confidence or inability?

Woman tends to have less confidence in themselves, Mark said. 

Getting a printing, I ran into Mark and had a short chat.
I told him I my stress, in which he know now only have another 2 weeks to finish my half-chapter loading task. I guess my twisted facial expression (partly due to the cold air in the hallway), he reads me.

I told him that not knowing what I want and can do after graduation stresses me out. I want to prepare for my future, but not knowing what future me wants creates a barrier for my preparation. For this, the thought is on top of my head like a dark cloud that just wouldn't go away and keeps me under great stress.

I told him I had to ask my boss explicitly why he find me functioning well, while I don't, and that obviously my boss had no idea I am going through quite some stress in the process. I told him I don't think I can tell my boss that I couldn't help but question about what is the value of doing research and writing paper. This is as if questioning what a professor has taken up as a career. I think professors usually have limited answers when you ask them what are the options outside academia a PhD has after graduation.

Mark told me, its fine to put that in front of a Dutch professor's face. I hope so cus I sort of did not so long ago.

I told him that when I talk to Hu, I sense that she envy me being given additional task from Charles. Sometimes, yes, I do find the confidence to say that, yes, I am still Charles favorite student. But I also know what is attached to all this trust - it's the expectation. However, I don't know what my boss expect of me most of the time. So, I have to raise the bar of expectation high hoping to meet his expected expectation. And this is very tiring and stressful.

Mark said that he knows that I am an easily stressed person. But I should look on the positive signal of all this. For I have presented my paper in conferences, wrote a referee report (and another two in the short future) and ask to collaborate with others in writing a book chapter (well, half of a chapter).... ect. These all indicate that at least Charles believes I can do it.

When you cannot recognize what you are capable of doing, trust those who handed you the task, because at least he think/believe you can do it. 

I know and I should be very happy being given all this credit (trust and believe) in the ability to do all this, especially when I don't know if I am able to do all this. In addition, I know all these sort of like side-project thing is good for me in the sense that I get to train myself to read a wider range of topics during my training. So, on the one hand, I question if my training is sufficiently challenging for me to entitle a doctoral title after another 20month training; on the other hand, I doubt my ability in fulfilling the task I am given.

However, after the talk with Mark, I know I should have a little more faith and confidence in myself and move on! Though Rhymer had been very supportive, he had forgotten to remind me of this and say he have confidence in me.

I am very grateful to have these people in my life encouraging me along the way.